A Little Death That Only I Knew About

Follow along on this incredible story of heartbreak and redemption as our anonymous guest shares her journey as a sexual assault survivor who's life seemed to spiral out of control before she met the one person who could save her. 

*This episode contains mature content, please use discretion. 

Transcript

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way believe all women have stories and wisdom to share, just like the many unnamed women we read about in the Bible. Here's what we realized about those unidentified women. They had names, they were really people, and they had stories worth telling, but their names were un revealed. Way created the under field podcast to give power to the untold stories of everyday women. You may have heard that your story doesn't matter, but we believe God can use our testimonies as weapons against the enemy. When we use our story to connect with others, we get to glorify the goodness of God. Join us as we reveal these stories of heartache, hope and redemption. Each episode you'll hear featured women share one story from their life by answering three questions. What's your story? What did God show you in that season? And what is God showing you? Now I'm your host, Portney Haggard and remember, every story matters. Welcome to the UN revealed podcast today, where you're doing something a little bit different, and I have an incredibly powerful story to share with. But due to the nature of what we're discussing, you've chosen to tell this story anonymously. This

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episode will cover highly sensitive topics that may not be suitable for young Children or anyone who's experienced a sexual assault or abortion. I recommend skipping this episode unless you are in a place where you are pursuing healing and feel that you can emotionally handle somebody else's story. Usually this would be the time where I introduce our guest and give her a chance to tell you a little bit about herself. But in the spirit of anonymity, we'll just jump straight into her story. My story is about how, when I came to know God, I stopped defining my worth in men and started defining my worth in Christ. Growing up, I was so excited to meet my prints and fall deeply in love. I was one of those little girls who just loved watching Disney Princess movies, and, um, although I didn't expect to find my own prince charming, I truly believed that every girl deserved the love that you see in those Disney Princess movies. I was raised in a family that went to church every single Sunday, and although I had that information ship with Christ growing up, I did not have a relationship with him, and because of that, I really didn't know what to expect for men. And one thing that I did expect was that fairytale like romance, so I may not have known what to expect. But growing up in church, Although I didn't have a relationship with God, I was very familiar with the moral that you should wait to have sex until marriage. And with this childlike dream of marrying a prince, I wanted to save the gift of virginity for my prints. And as I grew up, almost all my other friends lost their virginity in high school, and I really didn't mind. I wasn't in the norm, but that didn't bother me. And what ended up happening? Waas Not what I expected. And I am not like most of my friends, but for a very different reason than I had hoped. When I was 21 years old, I was raped, and this gift that I had so carefully preserved was taken without my permission. I remember sitting on the toilet and just watching my blood drip into the basin and feeling like all of my expectations of a prince were leaving as well and after that, it completely changed what I hoped to get out of romance. And so I had been talking to this guy at that same time, and we hadn't officially started dating. But when this rape happened in my mind, I was like, How can I rewrite my story like, how can I change this? And the guy that I had been talking to is not the man who raped me. I didn't tell anybody about that or even admit to myself for years. So I decided, like, if I can just quick in these events is as fast as I can. Maybe like it will. It will be like the rape never happened. And so the guy that I had been talking to, I basically asked him if we could have sex and he knew that I was a virgin and he was, like, totally down for it. And, um and he thought it was strange that I didn't believe, but he believes me when I made up that like, Well,

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I don't know,

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like maybe a tampon like ripped my Hyman or like I've heard horseback riding, knows that I horseback rode like in Girl Scout camp one time like, I don't know. And he didn't really press it, so it wasn't that big of a deal. But that was my first romantic relationship in this. This guy that never knew that he wasn't my first right. And that relationship lasted about a year. And if I could put that relationship with one synonym, it would be apathetic, like he just gave me no affection, you know, in bare minimum communication. And his affection was purely sensual, like nothing kind. He would tell me all the time how kind of my last priority. So when I'm hearing this, I'm thinking you wouldn't have put yourself through this relationship if you hadn't been assaulted. You kind of lowered your expectations, too. This level of apathy, where is long as you have somebody? Yeah, that's better than nothing. Whereas you had this Prince charming, right? Level of expectation prior to your assault. And then all of now, you find yourself in this relationship where you're getting the scraps. Yeah, and you're still holding on. So, yeah, that was my senior year of college. And I went to college out of state and we continued this relationship when I returned Oklahoma So we were long distance. It finally ended, Um, because I ended it and I felt like he I think, you know, part of him knew that I was so much more into this than he was. And that's why he constantly told me you're my last priority. It was kind of like he felt so much guilt that he didn't care about this, that he didn't want to be the one to end it. He wanted, you know, like, he didn't have that within him, which is, I mean, but kind of indicative of the whole relationship. So yeah. Yeah. So finally, I ended it, and, um, my next relationship after that was with somebody who I again, I don't think I would have dated had I not just lost all this hope in what romance could be. And he was so mean. He would tell me all the time that, like, I'm gonna test you and you're not gonna like it. And his test would be silly, things like that. He was gonna come over at six. PM and he wanted this type of meal prepared for him. And so I would buy all those groceries and make that meal and I lived with my parents, and so I would. They politely left to give us dinner time together, and he wouldn't show up and other things like that. He would get really drunk, and he never looked physically abuse me. But he would throw things at me and he would yell at me and just really make me feel so small. And that relationship finally ended. Two. Well, there's a pattern here. He's manipulative. He's angry, making it all out to be your fault, saying hurtful things, making himself the bigger person in your eyes. Yeah, as a way maybe to keep you. But you're taking all of this. How long were you with him? I was only with him for four months, and thankfully, like that was in a very long relationship. But we did spend time together almost every day. And so it was just way too much. So you went were out. But it? Yeah, he was filling a void that you weren't getting in your previous relationship by booking their but in a super unhealthy way. Yeah, OK, yes. So that relationship ended and then I started dating a guy who compared to the other two seemed great. He was so funny and so sweet. But he could not be faithful. And he didn't hide that from me. And it hurts so bad. And the entire time I just tried to be okay with it. And this really goes to show with how much you were hurting your putting up with being completely disregarded, being basically made a fool of and and put being put in danger. And then now you're in a relationship where you're not the priority again. Uh huh. Unless it's convenient, Yeah, And then he's getting what he wants on moving on and flaunting that almost I cannot imagine on. Are you dating these guys back to back like there's not a whole lot of space in between them. There's not a whole lot of space in between them, so you're kind of jumping from one bad thing to the next. It's just a different. Yeah, there would be maybe, like I m. C a Max of like four months before the next one, and that relationship was on and off, and finally I ended it, and then a little bit later, I start dating another guy, and this guy finally compared to those other guys? Seems like a prince. He was so sweet. He, um funny. His family loved me and they just embraced me. He complimented me all the time. He talked me up to his friends. He was so proud to have me around and especially after the last couple of guys you like. Yes, this is exactly what I've been waiting for. Yeah, with these other guys who made me feel just so unworthy of being around. Really, I I like dealt with depression. Really? From the rape on. I struggled with depression, and it's just like I dated these guys. And because so much of my identity and my finding of my worth was in my romantic relationships, the quality of them was not giving me a good sense of worth. And here I find this guy who makes me feel like wow, like you, so proud of me. He thinks I'm so great. It's filling a void that you've been desperate to fill. Yeah, so just like with the others, we had sex and it was crazy because we thought we had been careful. I was on the birth control pill and he had actually had an accident in high school, and the doctors told him that they didn't know if he could ever have kids. This one day. I just had this crazy feeling, like, literally right after right after the intercourse, like something was just different. And so, finally, like, it's time to have my period and it doesn't come. I was pregnant. Where you at? Like what his life look like outside its relationship at this moment outside of this relationship, I was in school pursuing a professional degree, working, lived with my parents. So you live with your very conservative parents who don't know all of what's going on your what? Halfway through a doctor, it your in seemingly a really, really great relationship. How many months into the relationship were you not very far at all? We were like, two months. So you're two months in to a seemingly great relationship and you find yourself pregnant. Yeah, and I mean, unfortunately, my first thought was, I don't want to have this baby. I was so scared and it just gripped me. Suddenly, this is different. I began seeing him different. I began noticing all the imperfections that I hadn't before, you know, And we're all in perfect. But he was an alcoholic. He had serious alcohol issues like he could not drive. He had his license taken away because of a number of do you wise. And yet he did not change his habit. He would go to work. And he was a bartender. And after work, he would drink with his co workers like it. Nothing about the consequences he had already faced were changing his lifestyle. So suddenly, there's like this peaking of what the reality is. It's no longer the fantastic. This is so great. I am feeling all these love emotions. And you're like, Wait a minute. Yeah, this isn't This

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is this guy's not

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who I see myself within the future. He's not the prince Charming. I thought he was exactly all that kind of melt away. And you find yourself pectin. Yeah, and scared. And really not in a place in life where you felt like that was not part of your plan. Yeah. So long story to work. I seek am terminating this pregnancy. And I find out that if you terminate a pregnancy within the 1st 10 weeks, it's called a medical abortion and you take two separate medications. The 1st 1 basically plateaus. The progression of pregnancy, your at and then the 2nd 1 basically induces a miscarriage. The earliest that they offered. That was at six weeks. And so I found out I was bring it at four. So if I just sat in this for two weeks and then, um, I took the pills, and at that time I was house sitting. Nobody at school knew what I was going through. So the week after that was like the darkest week of my life. I had struggled with depression like I talked about, but I also I had struggled with suicide and suicidal thoughts off and on throughout that thymus well, and on my mom's side of the family, mental illness and suicide are very common, like my mom is the oldest of three, and both of her sisters have killed themselves at the time of this abortion. And before that, I had been in this place where I thought I didn't even wanna have kids because if I raised a kid who was suicidal, I didn't know how I would cope with that, knowing that my genes play a role in that mindset. And so I thought if I ever wanted kids, I wanted to adopt. So anyway, um, through this week after the abortion, I just thought about suicide constantly, and I was house sitting at the time, so I wasn't at my parents house with company there, you know, toe comfort me, cause I I did tell my mom I didn't tell my dad. I Well, I don't think he knows. He might have because, you know, my parents were married, so maybe they maybe he knows that I told my mom, and so she knew, and she would have been there to comfort me. But I was house sitting at the time, and so every day I was just saving face it school and then coming home to this house that was not mine by myself and just wanting Teoh in my life completely alone. You took his pills alone. You went to the, uh, medically induced miscarriage alone the whole week. Here alone? Yeah, that is, like, devastating to hear. And like, I know you like that breaks my heart. Oh, yeah, I, um it was really hard. And there is just something in me that was calling my name and not my sin. And I knew that it was God. And I knew then I need it to, um reach him because he was reaching for me. And the next week, following like the darkest week in my life, I go to my church group. Thankfully, you know how some sometimes you meet in church group and it's more fun and lighthearted and sometimes you, me And there's just something that happens where people are just a little more deep and serious. And it was one of those. So I felt like I needed to share What? What was happening with me? I couldn't be alone in this, And I was so scared, too, because I the hunt man, if any group of people are gonna look down on this action, it's gonna be these people. But they didn't. They just completely embraced me and comforted me at that meeting. There was this guy and this guy. After this conversation, he pursues me. So his first interaction with you is hiding out about this. Yeah. Wow. I know. And I

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had you know how

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like when you meet somebody and you're pretty sure you they like you like there's just something he

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had

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been like that. But I had been dating the guy who I got pregnant with, So I didn't, like, you know, a music cause I was dating somebody and then I share this in following this He kind of pursues me. Not in a like, outwardly way, but just in a like I'd love to get coffee with you sometime. This guy was so far along in his faith compared to me so much more mature in its faith. He had such an awesome story himself of, of of his redemption. And he just I don't know, he we dated for a very short period of time, and he was the first person I ever dated where I felt like before I felt his love. I felt God's love. I was just so in awe that God would love me so much to put me with this guy who wanted me to know God before himself and helped me get there. And when we broke up, I wasn't devastated. And that amazed me because in the past, I had taken break up so badly, you know, because that's who I found my worth in. And so once that was gone, it was like this little death that only I knew about, You know, for that relationship to end and for me to feel OK just blew my mind. Like I knew that was God. And I remember working out one day and listening to a sermon called Needs Meter by Stephen Verdict. And there's a line in it where he says that God will not meet your needs through the person you expect him to, because then you would praise them and not him. That so And I was like, That's so wild because it was like, here. This guy had entered my life and had impacted me and helped me know God like he really did. He helped me know God. If it like God put him in my life, there's no doubt in my mind about it. And yet it did not end how I expected. I ask God, will me and this guy get back together? And I really felt like God told me. If I tell you the answer to that, then where will your faith be? Oh, man, guy, you need to have faith in me. This is gonna work out. So let's talk about let's let's use as a Segway to move into question number two. What did God show you in that season? Um, he showed me that my worth is in Christ. It is not in men. It never will be like You cannot expect a person to meet your needs. The only one who can meet the needs is who knows what they are. Even though you went through what you went through and that was a lot of stuff to have to go through, you could identify that people can't meet your needs pretty easily. The people let you down left and right. Yeah. And yet you did have a guy who in some ways met needs that were never being met and can be met by people. But not the old limit needs that you have. And so I love that you had an example of both as you were learning that Yeah, it's awesome. And like that guy that God placed in my life like he never it would ever try to even frame himself is the one who could meet my needs like he wanted to make sure I knew who got Waas and who Christ was for me and who I could be in him. So what did life look like differently as you're pursuing God, What were you doing differently? How did it look? Different. Yeah. Oh, that was awesome. Because just like they talk about like when you first get to know God. And it is like when you start a new romantic relationship and you just can't get enough of them. It really was like that. Like I woke up early in the morning, I'd work out and listen to a sermon. I constantly had praise and worship music on. I talked to God all the time and I just like, couldn't get enough of taking notes and soaking in the word and ruminating on it. And, um, it was just awesome. And that later that that fall I so this thoughtless like the abortion happened in spring. This guy that God put it in my life was literally for a month in the end of summer. And then in mid fall, I go to this women's conference where our pastor speaks a sermon over the roots of discouragement, one being expired timelines. And that hit me so hard because, um, at the time, I was 27 most of my friends were not only married but brigade, but beginning to have Children. And through most of my life, I had defined my my worth in romance and what guys thought of me. And here I was not married. And I just decided to literally give all of those hopes to God, like, place them in his hands, genuinely released them. And it's amazing, like how much courage it takes to hand over these precious hopes to the most capable hands in the universe. But it's because the devil has just given us this deranged, um, want to be in control when the truth is thank goodness we're not Cannot just don't want to be in control. But ah, thought that we actually can be. Yeah, so true. And, um, that was literally October and then November the guy who I am marrying in, like, 45 days. Really? He, uh he asked

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me out.

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Oh, and this all Like, wow. Like that timeline. Okay. Like spring. I had this abortion wanted to kill myself every day. Late summer God puts this guy in my life who helps me no Christ before himself. And then in October, I hand over all my hopes that I've been carrying my whole life into God's hands. And then, like, literally less than a month after that, he puts my husband and Miley like it's wild. It's like how quickly and how big he moves when you just allow him to, um, you have both of us crying over here. Oh, uh, So I remember when I first started dating my husband, I I was kind of skeptical is like, there is no way lightning strikes twice this fast. But I mean, it was it It was different, you know, because, um, the man of marrying he was So he is still he's so intentional. Every single day, he pursues me with so much intention, you know, and he Every night we pray together and he prays so many of the same things and has from the very early days of our dating like father God, like, I thank you so much for playing grow into my life for making her a help. Meet fake fit for me. And I pray that the spirit within me would just help me to provide her with selfless security, affection, communication and leadership. He prays that every single night and God helps him give that to me every day. And I'm just so thankful for all of what God has done to redeem me. There's a verse in Matthew, it says. Neither do people pour new wine into old wine skins. If they do, the skins will burst. The wine will run out in the wine. Skins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wine skins and that verse just with me like I feel like God has made me into new wine. And I want to be a new wine skin. When I came to know God, I realized that all my life I had been hoping and being so excited to find my prints in a man when the truth all along was that My prince is Jesus and more than come he has overcome. He defeated death. He conquered the grave. My worth is found in the payment that he paid on that cross. And it's just so awesome. I love that you Did you spend all this time looking for a really physical human prince Charming. And you didn't realize that you had it all along. All we all have the perfect prince, the Prince of peace, and he is yours. So before we move on to the last section where we talk about what God showing you now? Yeah, I feel really prompted to ask you this question. What would you say to someone who finds himself in your shoes? I don't mean very specifically exactly what you went through, but somebody who's so discouraged, hopeless. They've been through Helen back. They find themselves facing what seems like an uphill battle out of the pit there in and they want to know more. They want to find God. Or maybe they don't even know that much. But they're listening today, and they're hurting. What would you say to her? I would tell her to tell someone, and I would tell her to pray about it and to trust that God will give you that time when it is right, and it's never gonna feel perfect. It's always gonna be a little scary Just how it was. I was scared like I'd I told them, but I was scared. But it's so important that you do. And God loves you so much he is gonna put the people in your life that need to be there. He's not going to forget to put them there and they're gonna show up when you need them. And if you're going through something like that, you need them and you need to tell somebody and trust that God is gonna put that somebody in front of you. When you're that lost, he will work through someone to help you get to him. Kingdom community is so powerful there's a serving that our pastor date over. Um, community is called between the toes and he talks about. Before the last Supper, Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. He saw what was between their toes and how, like in biblical times like feet were gross. They're gross today and they were nasty back then. But how important it is that people know what's going on between the toes and what I was going through was definitely the stuff between the toes, and it was so important that somebody new before something terrible happened alone in the dark is a really dangerous place to be I don't just mean physically. I mean, like, spiritually alone and in the darkness is a very dangerous place to be. Yeah, absolutely. These sins, they grow in the dark. And when you expose them toe light, they cannot live. Jesus is the light of the world, and you just need to expose what's happening and not allow it to keep growing. Keep living within you because God does not want it there. I think the biggest thing about community is when you're fighting with somebody by your side, it feels a little less scary. We always have God. We don't always realize that we have God but a physical person next to us. It strengthens us, and it helps us face the hard stuff. It helps us identify what needs to go. So if you're listening right now and you don't have biblical community and you're going through something, you need to get plugged into a church and you need to get plugged into community. And you need to let some people in on what you're going through. A man that is biblical. Absolutely. Okay, so let's jump into question over three. What's God's showing you right now as I have been, um, preparing for this podcast and knowing that I'm going to be sharing my story. God has really brought something to my tension over and over again. And that is the importance of wisdom. When I was going through that transformation of faith wisdom was something I prayed for every day. I would pray. Father God, please grant me wisdom that I may have discernment to know my next steps along your righteous path. And in the Bible, there are so many awesome scriptures about wisdom, and one that I would love to share is from Proverbs 3 13 through 15. Blessed are those who find wisdom those who gain understanding for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than Rubies. Nothing you desire can compare to her. I love that because one wisdom is metaphorically imaged in a female. And I think that kind of speaks to how important it is at anybody to have wisdom, but especially us as females. And to that last part of that verse 15. Nothing you desire can compare to her. Nothing you desire can compare the wisdom, something that God has been showing me in my quiet time is how important it is for all women to pray for wisdom. What's so good about God is that when you ask for wisdom, he will give it to you. Hey, gives you the discernment, your desire ing, he says. It is good Toe asked for wisdom. So thank you for sharing that anyone who's listening out here, you can pray for and receive wisdom. Well, I want to thank you so much for taking the time to come and share your story. That was incredibly emotional. I know I was crying a lot. I was quietly crying back here behind the mic, and, um, I really believe that there's so much that you have to offer through your story and the enemy what the enemy meant for evil. God's going to use for good. I

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really just can't thank you enough for coming and sharing and being so vulnerable and letting us see into your darkness. Thanks for listening to today's episode. I'm your host, Courtney Haggard. If you like the show and you want to know more, check us out on Facebook or Instagram and subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts. So you never miss an episode. Please take a few minutes to leave a review in a five star rating on iTunes. And don't forget to take a screenshot and tag the show on your social media. It seriously is so encouraging to know that you're out there and listening until next time, remember your story matters.